


Crowley, the demon barber of Fleet Street (v1)

by stripedtightsandsmudgedeyes



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crowley loves Aziraphale, Good Omens AU, Movie based, Sweeney Todd AU, Warning: violence, its one sided don’t worry, musical AU, she/her pronouns for Beelzebub, slight crowley/beelzebub, spoiler warning, warning: death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:27:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26865898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stripedtightsandsmudgedeyes/pseuds/stripedtightsandsmudgedeyes
Summary: Obviously spoilers for sweeney todd are included in this. Don’t read if you don’t want it spoiled I guess??Anthony Jay had been exiled on a false charge for fifteen years. After finding out aziraphale’s fate on his return, he changed his name to Crowley and vowed to have revenge for his angel.!!! IM RE DOING THIS BC IM NOT HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT VERSION! PLS READ THAT ONE !!!
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley, Hastur/Ligur
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. 1. NO PLACE LIKE LONDON

ligur looked out to the town of London. He had been on his ship for many months on a voyage, and although it was dark outside now, he gazed at his home like it was made of gold. He never got tired of it.  
“I have sailed the world, beheld it’s wonders, from the dardanelles to the mountains of Peru. But there’s no place like London.” He mused.  
An older man walked towards him, somebody he’d found lost off the shore somewhere near Australia, and he cleared his throat.  
“Oh, is everything alright Mr Crowley?” Ligur asked.  
“You are young, life has been kind to you. You will learn.” The man, named Crowley, responded. “There’s a hole in the world, like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it. It’s ran by a privileged few, making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo. They turn beauty into filth and greed. I too have sailed the world and seen it’s wonders, but there’s nowhere as cruel as London.”

They both walked off the boat silently, side by side.  
They were suddenly stopped by a tattered looking man, his face looked as though he hadn’t had a wink of sleep for many years and he was shivering in the cold, His dirty, torn clothes not giving him enough coverage.  
“Please, for a desperate man, some help please?”  
Ligur handed him a penny- all he had in his pocket right now- and was thanked by him.  
He turned to Crowley.  
“Don’t I know you, sir?” He puzzled, looking hard at Crowley as he poked at his clothes for further inspection.  
Crowley pushed him off roughly.  
“To the devil with you!” He shouted, causing the man to back away in fear.  
“There’s no need to be frightened, mr Crowley, that man would have meant no harm to you. You get plenty of unfortunate people on the streets in London.”  
Crowley looked at him meaningfully.  
“I beg your indulgence, ligur, for in these once familiar streets I feel only shadows. Ghosts. Once, there was a barber and his husband, who was beautiful. The barber was foolish, but the other was his true reason and his life. He was virtuous, but the barber was naive.”  
Ligur followed along attentively, as Crowley got more wrapped up in the story.  
“There was another man who saw that he was beautiful. He was a pious vulture of the law, who with one gesture of his claw, removed the barber from his plate. His husband would fall, so soft, so lost, and oh,” he sighed, “so beautiful.”  
“...and the man, sir?” Ligur interjected warily. “Did he... succumb?”  
After a few silent moments, Crowley uttered a melancholy response.  
“I doubt if anyone would know. Thank you for your hospitality, ligur. I would hate to imagine what could’ve happened if you hadn’t been there to help me.”  
“Will I see you again?”  
“If you like. Around Fleet Street, I wouldn’t wonder.”  
Crowley stormed off without so much as a goodbye, although he muttered angrily to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY IM SO HAPPY TO FINALLY BE WRITING THIS. Obviously I’m not done with my other story but I see this as an opportunity to publish this one too, considering it’s spooky month. That’s right, you’re getting sweeney todd content for October even though the og cast show was in the 70s and the movie was over ten years ago!  
> I’ve had the idea for this au for SO long I don’t even remember when I first got it, but I ADORE sweeney todd. I love the music, the characters, the story and the general spooky vibe. I also am in love with the good omens book and series (as you can probably tell). I spent a while rearranging the story and arguing with myself over which character was which, because as much as I wanted a happy ending for Crowley and Aziraphale, you just can’t do that while following the story of sweeney todd. It’s dark, it’s depressing, and it ends on a low note. I hate writing sad endings so this hit me right in the feels, but I hope you enjoy it.


	2. 2. THE WORST PIES IN LONDON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO UHH  
> this chapter is going to be short. But hey, here we go!

Crowley strutted into a two story building with signs saying “beelzebub’s pie shop” all over it. He used to live above that, so he didn’t see why he couldn’t go back.  
When he got in, though, He saw a tired looking woman with dark hair and dirt all over her rolling out dough and cutting out shapes. He went to turn back around, pondering whether she would want to be disturbed, but she looked up and gasped. After slamming down her rolling pin, beelzebub walks towards him.  
“A cuztomer!” The woman exclaims. “What’z your rush? What’z your hurry? I thought you were a ghozt, why don’t you sit down? I haven’t had a cuztomer for weeks!”  
Crowley took a second to process how fast and erratically she was talking, and it showed on his face. She reminded him of a confused little fly who was just flapping around in circles.  
“Do forgive me if my headz a little vague. It’z juzt that people keep avoiding me so much, you’d think I have the plague!”  
She stomped her foot down onto a cockroach, and sighed.  
“Heaven knowz I try, but nobody ever even thinkz about coming in here. Would you like a drop of ale?”  
Before Crowley could answer, she was already slamming a gross cup of liquid in front of him, and a green, unappetizing pie on a plate. He grimaced at the smell, but picked it up to be polite.  
“Theze are probably the worst piez in London. I know that, which obviously I should, seeing az I make them. Never said I waz good, though. Isn’t that disgusting?”  
He bit into the pie, and then let it fall out of his mouth back onto the plate. He nodded his head in agreement.  
“I never thought I’d live to see the day men would think it was a treat finding animalz that are dying in the street. In fact, I know a woman named Mrs Mooney. Now, mrs Mooney also has a pie shop. She’z good and all, but I’ve noticed something weird. Her neighborz catz have all disappeared.”  
Crowley looked on in contempt and attempted to drink his “ale”, which tasted more like murky water than anything.  
“That just wouldn’t do in my shop. The thought of catz in pies? Well, that alone is making me sick. To be fair to her, though, those catz are quick. But I suppose you’ll do what you need, won’t you, timez are hard. Even harder than the worst piez in London.” She looked at him, noticed he’d gone just as green as her pies, and rolled her eyes.  
“Iz that just revolting? It probably tastez like... well... pity a woman alone, with limited wind, and nothing to her name but the worst pies in London. Ah, Sir, times are hard.” She raises a glass.  
Crowley raises his in response. “Times are hard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter was freaking hard to write. It’s so mrs-Lovett-centric, it’s difficult to make it fit for two characters. Hats off to Stephen Sondheim, he knew how to write a musical.


	3. 3. POOR THING, MY FRIENDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yo, WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. There’s discussion of something happening to aziraphale, and although it isn’t in detail, it’s referenced. So please heed that. If you don’t know, I won’t describe it too much but aziraphale is in an uncomfortable situation in a flashback. Enjoy this chapter if you do read it.

Beelzebub wiped her hands with a towel, which really did no help considering it was just as dirty.  
“Follow me. I’ll make a pot of tea instead.”  
Crowley waltzed into the other room behind her, and noticed instantly the peeling dark wallpaper. He didn’t comment, but he felt that it dampened the atmosphere.  
He noticed a staircase. The staircase was familiar. Ah, yes! He used to live there.  
Finally, he started to speak.  
“You have a room over the shop. If times are so hard, why not rent it out?”  
She set the tea pot aside, not finished yet but wanting to indulge in a story for once.  
“Nobody will go near it. They reckon it’z haunted.”  
Crowley’s heart skipped a beat. She couldn’t mean..?  
“Haunted?” He quizzed.  
“Yeah, and who’z to say they’re wrong? You see, yearz ago, something happened up there, and it wasn’t very nize.”  
She was met, once again, with no response.  
“Surely you’ve heard of Anthony Jay?”  
The man looked up at her wistfully, and silently urged her to go on.  
“There was a barber and his wife. Oh, he was so beautiful. A proper artist with a knife. He was transported for life... but he was beautiful. That was him. Anthony, I mean.”  
“What was his crime?”  
“...foolishnezz.” Beelzebub looked down at her feet. It still hurt her to think about to this day.  
“He had this... husband, you see. Handsome little thing. Silly little nit,” her words seemed to get more venomous as she went along, but they were disguised as pitiful comments, “had his chance for the moon on a string.”  
“Poor thing.” Crowley mumbled, eyes watering slightly. “Poor thing.”  
“There were theze two, you see. Wanted him like mad. One was a judge, and the other hiz beadle. Every day they’d try to come up with another half witted plan to win him over. But, you couldn’t say he wasn’t faithful. He sat up there, all day and night just crying to himself, rocking hiz baby. Alwayz complaining over how he wanted anthony back. Poor fool.”

Crowley imagined lovely, angelic aziraphale, having to suffer alone while he was gone. Of course he cried for hours. He was left with nothing but grief and a one year old. He felt sick to his stomach (although he wasn’t sure if it was from guilt or that revolting pie he’d bitten).

“Ah, but there waz worze yet to come, poor thing.” Beelzebubs face lit up, almost as if she was enjoying the spectacle. The drama. She didn’t have to experience it first hand, so of course she reveled in the pain.  
“Well, the beadle calls on him, all polite, and tells her how awful the judge feels. Aziraphale followz him home- only to find that there’z already a ball happening, All in maskz. He drank and drank, and he wandered around aimlessly, but he couldn’t find Gabriel anywhere.”  
She changed her voice into a higher, almost mocking tone.  
“ ‘he must have repented! Oh, where is Gabriel!’ He went around begging.” 

“He was already there, wasn’t he?” Crowley could just see that smug face, the face of a man he had nothing but pure hatred for.

Beelzebub continued happily. “Yes, only not so contrite. Everybody figured the husband was daft. So, it was natural they’d all laugh like fools while Gabriel took whatever he wanted-“ 

“NO!” Crowley interrupted. “He couldn’t have! Not to my angel!” 

The other looked so pleased with herself, she could explode any minute with joy.  
“So then, it is you? Anthony Jay?”

“No. It’s Crowley now.” 

“Whatever you say,” she dismissed, “Come here. I’ll take you upstairs, and we can get you settled. I’ll take the teapot up just in case.” 

He followed her upstairs warily. Did he even WANT to go back, after hearing the tragedy that had happened? How could he look at the room he’d once shared with aziraphale, look at the empty crib where their son was, and not feel pain every time. He didn’t even realise he’d gotten to the door, when Beelzebub disturbed his thoughts.

“Alright then, aren’t you going to come in? Not like the air’z poisoned or anything.” 

Crowley stood in the doorway. He really didn’t want to come in. His mind drifted off elsewhere as he mumbled to himself about nothing and everything at the same time, and all that could be heard clearly was the clinking of Beelzebub settling things down, and then picking them up and rearranging them. Suddenly, she was in front of Crowley, holding out a small wooden box.

“Here we are.”

“There’s no way you kept these.” He took the box and inspected it.

“Could’ve gotten some decent money from them I suppoze, but I kept them. Not going to do you much good in some marketplaze heaven knowz where.”

Crowley saw his reflection in his razor. He looked for a while, A scarily long while in beelzebubs opinion.  
“It’s okay, Crowley. You can live up here, and you can keep your silver bladez. Silver was alwayz good enough for me, anywayz. And I suppoze I wouldn’t mind the company... I alwayz had a... fondnezz for you.”

The other nodded, as if he was listening. But he was transfixed. As he fiddled about with them, he ignored any regard for safety and swung them around ecstatically. He almost cut Beelzebub a few times, and she was about to lose her temper. He held up the blade in his hand, almost dropping the rest, and smiled the widest grin he’d ever produced since he’d last seen aziraphale.  
“At last, my arm is complete again!” He exclaimed. Beelzebub took the weapons away before he hurt either of them with his clumsiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO CAN YA GUESS WHO THE BEADLE AND JOHANNA ARE? The answer I have planned but I don’t know if it’ll be as good as I imagined?? Anyways I compiled two scenes into one because uGH they just weren’t long enough otherwise.


	4. not rlly an update (explanation?)

So uhhh...  
I haven’t updated in ages.  
My original plan was to update this regularly throughout October, because it’s spooky month innit. My other story was going to continue in November, although I didn’t really have a plan for it because it started off as a sort of vent that I got carried away with. Anywhom, that was my plan originally.   
Then my laptop broke, and I was due a new phone. I cleared this whole phone, but then I didn’t get the new one, so I had to re-set it all up. Lovely process. Here I am though, I’ll update soon. Happy spooky month!


End file.
